College Station SuesWellborn Residents over Theft of Service

By Doris Wellborn

(Houston)--- The city of College Station is fed up with providing essential services to people who do not live in College Station. The city is suing residents of Wellborn today because the Wellborigines are breathing oxygen produced by plants in College Station. The injunction was filed in federal court asking that humans in Wellborn stop breathing immediately.

College Station city staff contend that all of the trees planted in the city rights of way and bar ditches were planted for the exclusive use and enjoyment of citizens of College Station. Wellborn residents do not pay ad valorem taxes and therefore are not entitled to fresh air while on state property within College Station.

To prove their case, a city staffer filmed a middle-aged woman from Wellborn while she was driving on Texas Avenue. The close-up shots clearly show her taking deep breaths and expelling noxious carbon dioxide into the College Station atmosphere.

When asked what she thought she was doing, the woman said she was buying new living room furniture. She also said she didn’t realize that she was causing the citizens of College Station to pay additional taxes. City staff calculated that at most, her city sales taxes for a leather sofa and oak end tables would only be 25 or 30 dollars and that this amount was not nearly enough to pay for the additional trees necessary to extract the carbon dioxide she trailed behind her in a toxic cloud.

In their defense, residents of Wellborn noted that their community was less densely populated and was covered in forests and grasslands, creating sufficient oxygen to compensate for that used in College Station by Wellborn residents. They also noted that the Krebs cycle is an Act of God. College Station officials noted that winds generally blow towards the south and that Wellborn residents should consider suing Navasota and Washington on the Brazos for sucking the air out of Brazos County.